Category Archives
Love
Who are you?
No one like you has ever been born, no one like you will ever be born again. You are the only you that has ever lived and if you cannot hear the sound of genuine in you, you will spend your days on the ends of strings that someone else is pulling. ~Howard Thurman
Are you brave enough to find out who you really are, the genuine you?
The answer may be difficult to utter at first, but the journey to find this answer within is uniquely worth it!
Granted, the reason there is a certain level of difficulty attached to this type of pursuit is because as Michael Waldron Jr puts it best, “When you’ve been raised in a maladjusted world, it’s easy to believe something is wrong and become fearful when the true YOU begin to emerge.”
This fear is evident, as many have begun the process, claiming a desire to be “real” but fail to complete the journey after discovering the unpleasant images this introspection reveals.
WhenLoveWorks, individuals are not comfortable being “fake.” They begin the journey toward their genuine self, commit to the work and victoriously celebrate a new birthday. ~Elitia Mattox
Dying of Starvation
“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” Mother Theresa
In the midst of arguably the most difficult economic times in the US, I take comfort in knowing that two of the most priceless things remain accessible even to the most economically challenged. And in the midst of my own personal belt-tightening, I haven’t witnessed any degradation in how I show LOVE and appreciation to my family.
While money is a necessary tool in a material world, LOVE and appreciation are huge components of our intangible world. So recognizing money for being a powerful tool is great, but the challenge in our commitment to relationship vitality is to become more sensitive to the transcendent power inherent in true thanksgiving and true LOVE. For example, being thankful and appreciative of my husband has the power to transform the way he looks at himself and helps me to re-center my thoughts on what a gift he is to me.
Oftentimes, mainstream media will tell us that our relationships are in a state of lack unless we possess the latest trendy item. And too often people are caught up in the pursuit of this next big thing, that unfortunately they take their partner for granted and miss the organic items that are already present within their relationship. Unfortunately, this behavior is equivalent to going to the grocery store to replenish the pantry’s inventory before checking the pantry.
Showing appreciation is a LOVE assessment that allows us to take inventory of what we have. Then we are able to demonstrate how LOVE and appreciation are as critical to the life of a relationship as oxygen and blood are to living, thereby eradicating relationship hunger. And giving our mate a sincere compliment, looking at her/him adoringly and smiling, then becomes the new currency.
WhenLoveWorks, people find a way to see through the clutter caused by having to make a living in a material world to see the free gift of LOVE and appreciation staring back at them. ~Elitia Mattox
Are you a Transformer?
“You tried to crush my plant early on. But now, I’m an oak tree.” Cullen Mattox
Most people think pain isn’t going to end. So they make permanent decisions for temporary situations. However, in my own painful experiences, I’ve had to learn to yield and allow alchemy to do its perfect work. I know alchemy refers to chemical transformation of metal elements but it holds the same power in our personal lives. Alchemy is taking pain and transforming it into a life changing moment.
But just as pain has the ability to prompt positive transformation, we must understand that it can also have the opposite effect. Pain also has the ability to transform the most beautiful person into a monster. Transformation in a negative sense; where pain prompts a person to abuse drugs, alcohol, sex and even other people.
The difference in the type of transformation solely depends on one’s response. Positive transformation requires one to stop and reflect before providing energy toward healing. On the other hand, the opposite requires no action. One just has to give way to the temporary pain, imagine it will never end and remain entangled.
WhenLoveWorks, individuals recognize temporary pain isn’t worth the scar of a permanent decision and instead see an opportunity to be a transformer. ~Elitia Mattox
Speak for Yourself
“To be yourself in a world that’s constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
In a society shrouded in conformity, the individual truly stands out!
I may not be alone in my queries, but oftentimes I wonder:
Is the price to be an individual worth the attacks from the masses?
and
Why is the cost of standing out, so steep?
Well personally I surmised that if media were left to determine who I am, my identity would then be linked to my hair, my clothes and my car. Of course this summation is based on an analysis of the amount of money spent to retrain one’s thoughts about who they are and who they are not when they have certain hair, clothes and cars.
Similarly, if I allowed those around me to establish who I am, my identity would then be linked to our most recent interaction and the person’s memory of this encounter–good, bad or indifferent.
Ultimately, to offset conformity, one must be able to create and embody edifying affirmations at the same rate as a TV commercial advertises the next “big thing.”
WhenLoveWorks, a person’s affirmations become their new belief system and when done properly, they trump any outside voice attempting to gain power of their true identity. ~Elitia Mattox
Cool Off
Don’t be cool. Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort. ~ Bruce Mau
At face value one may question the motive in this saying and regard it as an attack on his/her swagger and style. However, it must be viewed contextually.
Within the confines of a relationship, I’ll be the first to admit that “coolness” is great as long as it doesn’t place limits on one being vulnerable and courageous. It just can’t be the go-to move all the time.
And who can honestly admit that after reflecting on their relationship; utterly remembers the times when he/she was calm, cool and collected. I would even speculate that no one was on their deathbed saying, “I should’ve been more cooler with my mate.” Admittedly so, because there are times in my life where I led with “coolness” only to fall short of expressing my intended outcome.
Instead, I contend the opposite is true and believe the most vivid relationship memories are the ones when one fearlessly went all out to express their love for another.
WhenLoveWorks, individuals ensure that in the intersection where love, vulnerability and bravery collide, their “cool” button is turned off. ~Elitia Mattox
The Cheapest Shot…subtle crimes pt 5 of Criminal Record Series
“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out.” ―Sherrilyn Kenyon
As a naïve kid, I could never understand why so many people who professed to love one another talked to each other so harshly. But, I reasoned that one day when I was older I would understand. I would get older, but I still don’t understand. I know not to judge, because if my pain, past and experience were different I may do the same. However, I would hope that my heart would override my mind and alert it of the contradiction of claiming to be supportive while being derisive. How is this not like “friendly fire” (killing a member of one’s own armed forces or an ally)?
Whether premeditated or not, you would be using your advantageous position working on the inside to destroy another.
If you are currently enduring harsh verbal onslaughts in any of its many forms and expressions, ask yourself why, the answer may surprise you, or better yet liberate you.
WhenLoveWorks, a person’s native language is love. And though the language of fear, control and hate are recognized, it isn’t spoken so there can be no bond. ~Elitia Mattox
Trust Fund
Trust is built with consistency. -Lincoln Chafee
As humans we are subject to the law of undulation, which basically means that part of the human condition is to go through peaks and troughs of emotion, passion and enthusiasm, highs and lows. However, in spite of this truth, willing people still manage to be consistent in the way they love their friends, partners and family members.
Consistency is the perfect accompaniment to all of the other virtues one brings to a relationship. Because without consistency there’s only repeated contradiction. Which may account for why so many people report having love/hate, on again/off again and other dichotomous-type relationships. At the end of the day, without consistency there can be no trustworthiness and without trustworthiness there can be no real trust.
WhenLoveWorks, people build trust as they would a bank account and willingly make ongoing deposits of consistent, unconditional love. ~Elitia Mattox
Know, Strings are Attached
“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” -Wayne W. Dyer
Whether it’s during our transition from dependent child into adulthood or after the novelty of a new relationship is gone, most of us come to recognize the harsh reality that “Love” often comes with conditions.
Controlling parents and significant others alike, often retract “love” and resources they once gave so freely, only to later dangle them like Pavlov.
And just like that the pure, condition-free qualities of Love mutates into a contaminated prison of expectations and demands.
WhenLoveWorks, people Love unconditionally because they realize this is the only way to Love. ~Elitia Mattox
I Know Why the Caged Snake Bites
“Cheating is easy. There’s no swank to infidelity. To borrow against the trust someone has placed in you costs nothing at first. You get away with it; you take a little more and a little more until there is no more to draw on. Oddly, your hands should be full with all that taking but when you open them there’s nothing there.” Jeanette Winterson
I must warn, if you are anticipating an attack on cheaters, then these words will surely disappoint. I would love to be able to tell you that cheaters, especially of the serial variety, are miserable and inherit emptiness. But studies confirm that most serial cheaters love their lifestyles and feed on the inherent danger and excitement they feel within these trysts. Additionally, of the 28 percent of men and 18 percent of women admitting to having affairs, 12 percent of the men and 13 percent of the women say they’re glad they cheated. Which is why I concluded that it would be a logistical nightmare to address a cheater the way the above quote does, because the driving force behind a cheater’s actions could be any number of things, ranging from boredom to the thrill of the forbidden. Furthermore, the actions of a cheater clearly reveal that they’re unconscious. And that means I would, in essence, be addressing someone in a coma.
Instead, I almost always opt to address the cheated, who is usually the more awake of the two, with some version of the following message: Cheaters exist in our ecosystem like snakes and scorpions exist in nature but they pose little danger to the journeyman or woman who is alert and awake. Likewise, most of human pain can be avoided by accepting the truth and removing all resistance to what “is.” In this way, even if one is currently the victim of a serial cheater, by removing the non-acceptance and resistance to the truth, he or she is effectually planting the seeds to change and thereby paving the way to determine their next move with dignity.
WhenLoveWorks, individuals accept a cheater in their path as they would a snake in their path. And without any judgment, they simply step aside before the venomous creature has a chance to strike. ~Elitia Mattox
Judge Knot
“When you have an emotional reaction to what you see, you are judging. That is your signal that you have an issue inside of yourself – with yourself – not with the other person. -Gary Zukav
A few years ago, someone I regard as possessing exemplary maturity confided in me that he was on a mission to identify all of his residual insecurities. And although I was fully aware that he’s human and imperfect, I still was shocked to hear the most mature person I know, utter these words.
Then I would quickly surmise, this was why he was the most mature person I know…his humility keeps him face to face with the flaws inherent in his humanity. Needless to say, I was duly inspired to follow suit with what I now call my Insecurities Inventory.
Doing little more than directing my consciousness inward, I uncovered and annihilated insecurities that were camouflaged so well that they had managed for years, to pass for being me.
WhenLoveWorks, individuals see others with the same compassion that they see themselves thereby forcing loveless judging to give way to loving acceptance. ~Elitia Mattox
Flawsome!
“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” Elizabeth Gilbert
I agree that having someone remain unwavering in their love for you even after you’ve divulged your flaws is amazing.
But not to be missed in this scenario, and perhaps even more remarkable, is the great courage that was required for that flawed soul to first self disclose. Consider that this person, more than likely, desired a closer relationship, self disclosed and instantly became transparent in spite of there being no guarantees. This to me is the real miracle: to dream of, and take steps to actualize a relationship without affectation with another human being who will also prove to be flawed.
Undoubtedly, the optimal situation occurs when each member of a relationship takes ownership of his/her personal flaws. This way, one isn’t operating under the false reality that he/she is perfect and is extending grace to a less perfect individual. However arriving at this place has proven to be very rare, even in functional relationships because unfortunately, most people are blind to their own problems and ultra focused on those of their mates.
WhenLoveWorks, flawed individuals recognize that their flaws don’t necessarily disqualify them from love; only their deliberate and incessant contribution to relationship dysfunction can do that. ~Elitia Mattox
Strung Out
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism. ~ Carl Jung
Because of the proliferation of drug abuse, most people are familiar with addiction and at least a few of the tell-tell signs of a substance abuser. However, there are still many addictions that come under the radar. Particularly, being addicted to people and the way it makes one feel…this can go unnoticed by even the shrewdest observer.
Early in a relationship, this type of addict is barely distinguishable from one madly in love. However, time will inevitably flesh out this distinction. And in the case of the addict, reveal more madness than love. Primarily, because behind every addiction is usually a huge body of pain that inspired its beginnings. Ultimately, no one’s love can live up to the demands placed on it by an addict because he/she is destined to contaminate every relationship.
WhenLoveWorks, Individuals, because they’re conscious and present for every relationship shift, immediately sever ties at the first sight of enslaving practices. ~Elitia Mattox
Brain Induced Heart Failure
“What a lover’s heart knows let no man’s brain dispute.” ― Aberjhani
What I find interesting is how someone can know without a shadow of doubt that their partner loves them one day and the next allow the tiniest mistake to reverse their entire outlook. Even your local grocer will give you grace if you come up a little short.
Of course, I’m not speaking of abuses and other obvious deal breakers; certainly in these cases your brain should kick in and alert you to find the nearest exit. But, using your brain to patrol your partner’s every move, like some quality control police from hell, is completely counterintuitive to love. Furthermore, using your brain to assess your relationship is like using a screwdriver to drive nails.
When you know that your partner loves you, this is usually evident by their thoughts, words and deeds but know that they are still human. And Humanity equates to mistakes.
WhenLoveWorks, people have come to the realization that what the brain does clumsily the heart handles with complete grace. ~ Elitia Mattox
Love…accepted everywhere
“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.”- Steve Maraboli
I admire words and believe that the words shared in love relationships over the years have inspired some of the greatest poems, lyrics and stories. However, love is an action word, so consequently it’s most accurately measured in actions.
Moreover, words are like credit cards and are subject to the same abuses as those in the world of credit. For example, armed with nothing more than empty words, unscrupulous people continue to secure deep commitments from loving people never intending to honor their promise. And just as with creditors, after some time you realize that this person’s actions will probably never line up with their words. So in order to stay healthy, creditors factor in that 1% of new credit sales will become uncollectable. What are you doing to stay healthy?
WhenLoveWorks in relationships, actions are the only currency recognized, while words are regarded as mere pledges. – Elitia Mattox
Labor of Love
“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” ― Paulo Coelho
Many people spend their lives desiring a loving relationship, and manage to maintain that excitement through most anything. Unfortunately, the actual encounter, the thing longed for often ends up being the deal breaker. How does something like this happen?
Much like artists and writers, since the beginning of time, we romanticize what we feel our relationships should or would be and often in doing so, we romanticize work right out of the equation. So when one, equipped with their irrational fantasies, comes face to face with the demands of a real, fully functional living relationship, he/she is often overwhelmed. All relationships demand work to maintain functionality and achieve distinction. But just because a relationship requires work doesn’t make it warped.
WhenLoveWorks, couples appreciate the joys of chemistry and compatibility but recognize that they alone can’t cover the tab that a relationship will ultimately run up. ~Elitia Mattox
