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Uncomfortable Conversations

“I’d rather be uncomfortable with the truth than to be lied to in comfort.” ~Jesse Ventura

Uncomfortable (adj.); causing or feeling slight pain or physical discomfort.

It’s interesting that this definition quantifies the pain we experience when we’re uncomfortable as slight instead of severe. And it’s distinguishable because we believe people are usually innately equipped to navigate “slight” pain on their own but will defer to others or seek outside support when it comes to “severe” pain. Just think about how often you’d self-treat a paper cut or sore muscles but you’ll instinctively seek medical attention for more severe lacerations or broken bones.
Well just like you can easily navigate the process toward the physical healing of a paper cut or the easing of sore muscles; we believe you can readily navigate the process toward healing some emotional pain and discomfort too. Even if you’re the one who caused the pain and discomfort to yourself or to others.

Click to discuss how you navigate relationship pain/discomfort.

Did you know that relationships are the ideal space to work through various types of pain and discomfort? Yes, it’s true. We believe relationships are the perfect ecosystem for healing because they provide ideal coverage while the process evolves.
Moreover, within the confines of a relationship, you’ll inevitably find uncomfortable and painful situations that’ll require all parties to engage in some type of uncomfortable conversations that can steer them toward healing.

That’s why we believe the best way to get to healing within relationships is to start right in the middle of the pain. To start with a couple who is willing to sit in the uncomfortableness of the pain for just a moment; and then begin the work toward healing.

Click to discuss how you sit with the discomfort and pain.

Unfortunately many of us aren’t taught how to have uncomfortable conversations that ultimately lead to health and healing with our relationship partner. Instead whenever one person does something that causes pain, whether intentional or not, the other partner’s reflexive response to this hurt is to lash out and attack.

Here we offer an alternative to this traditional response. We offer tools that are grounded in LOVE Leadership, a common practice in our work. Instead of lashing and attacking one another, we challenge couples to engage in an interactive conversation that’s designed to guide them both back to health and healing.

The WhenLoveWorks’ (WLW) 4As for leading uncomfortable conversations.

These tools guide either partner to transform pain into an opportunity of health and healing. So don’t be shy; jump in and lead the conversation.

Be open to this non-traditional 4 step process:
See the pain you caused or the pain that your partner caused. Acknowledge it aloud to your partner. Then Address the result of the pain you’ve perpetrated or pause for your partner to address the pain that was inflicted upon you. During this step it’s important to remove all emotion from the conversation. After that, Apologize for the pain you caused or pause for an apology from your partner. Finally, and this may be the most challenging step because it involves self-work, share how you’ll be Accountable going forward or ask your partner to share how he/she will be accountable. Be specific here. Share details of how to avoid repeating this pain.

Ultimately if you desire to thrive in a healthy relationship, you’ll have to engage in some uncomfortable conversations. So regardless of how common it is to use “lash out” methods to engage your partner whenever pain has entered the relationship; resist the temptation to lash out. Instead implement the WLWs 4As for leading uncomfortable conversations and watch how you transform pain into health within your relationship.

Click to discuss how you are using the 4As

WhenLoveWorks, you’re comfortable with being uncomfortable, even when it’s difficult, because you believe the life-long rewards are worth the temporary discomfort. ~Cullen & Elitia Mattox

Immersion is Required

“You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear” ~Sammy Davis, Jr.

Certain things are absolutes. Take swimming for example, either you’re swimming or you’re not. So if you walk to the side of the ocean or a pool and just put your feet in, people have the right to ask, “When are you coming in?” because they don’t acknowledge you as actually being in the water. Swimming is an immersive experience. It’s very intimate. The water takes over. It’s all in your skin, your pores and your hair.

Immersion is the act of total submergence of one’s body, emotions, energy and time into an activity.

 

Click to discuss relationship immersion.

 

Love and Relationships are just like swimming in that they both require each participant to be completely immersive.

So if you say that you’re in a relationship but you have one foot in and one foot out, then you’re only half committed. Commitment means for better or worse. Moreover, your commitment is only as strong as you are at it’s testing point. If things start to become difficult and you bail out at that point, then you were never committed.

You’re either in a relationship or you’re not.

This isn’t to be confused with compatibility that’s required at the onset of a relationship though. Here we assume you’ve already taken the time to find one whom you’re compatible with and one who loves you. Once those two elements have been satisfied, you’ve done your due diligence and have effectively identified a relationship partner to work with. And if you find that you two work together; now you got to work together.

 

This is where commitment comes in. Part of this “working together” is understanding that commitment is in a resting state until things in the relationship take a turn for the worse. It’s not until then that your relationship commitment is even tested. It’s just been sitting dormant waiting to jump into action. Think about it. If you join a tightrope class, you’re more likely to trust the process and your instructor if you practice above a safety net. Well commitment is the safety net of a relationship. It catches each partner when things fall off. That’s why you don’t get to change your commitment mid fall.

Click to discuss your commitment net

 

We underscore commitment as the main element of a love relationship here because love is a totally immersive experience. It’s meant to be messy and completely intimate. Love allows two people to come together, work together and peel away together everything that’s not real to unite as committed relationship partners.

You’re either loving or you’re not.

But just as love is vying for unity in relationship, fear is vying for division too. And in some cases the very thought of immersion will trigger a fearful reaction. So whenever you experience difficulty in committing to a love relationship immersion, remember it’s just fear working in the background vying for your attention. Fear wants to win out against love. Basically the one foot in, one foot out, half-commitment scenarios that play out are all fear-based. It’s your imagination saying, “Wait, I don’t know about this one.” While love is the quiet voice asking you to hold to your commitment. 

Fear arises at the testing point of total immersion. And with any immersive experience, shock is usually the initial response. But shock is conquerable. So don’t be scared.

Have you ever just jumped into a pool of water?
If you have, then you’ve probably experienced a jolting journey from one extreme to another; from dry to wet. And then you moved around in the water to shake off that initial shock and to become more comfortable with the experience. However the true beauty of this immersive pool experience, was that you made the commitment. You jumped in!

Similarly, the best way to experience love and relationship, is to jump in. The best way to be in a relationship is to be all the way in the relationship. The best way to love your partner is to jump all the way in and love your partner.

You’re either in a relationship or you’re not.

Anything less than a total immersive commitment and a complete submergence of thoughts, words and actions is not a relationship. And we challenge you to refrain from identifying a half-commited connection, as a relationship. 

WhenLoveWorks you understand the best way to love your partner is to be all the way in. ~Cullen & Elitia Mattox

 

 

 

Guilt Induced Ambivalence (The Stealthy Predator)

Ambivalence is the simultaneous presence of conflicting emotions, it is that state of having mixed feelings about someone or something. Guilt around Ambivalence has been a big player on the personal relationship front for eons because few have felt comfortable coming forth regarding it. So ambivalence has been afforded the opportunity to work stealthy for years, while paralyzing its otherwise discerning victims with indecision.

See if you recognize this scenario: You’re the target of endless passive aggressive insults, slights, snubs, indifference, negativity, envy and various other attacks, but it’s coming from a family member or friend, so you endure it. Sound familiar?
You endure it because you reason around what they are suppose to be, instead of who they really are.

Though in your mind, you’ve never seen anything brotherly or friendly come off this person, yet you still hold on to your fantasy. And fresh off every new hurt, you can’t get pass the reality that, though harmony with a friend/family member may not always be possible, abuse is inconceivable. You’re stuck, unsure of what to do; the ante has been upped.

This time, imagine the snubs coming from your mom….you reason that you have to manage because confronting mom proves too soul-crushing to bare. But as a result of your indecision, you’ve now entered the ambivalence loophole. Ambivalence weakens relationships because you’re withholding accountability. Abuse’s best friend is access, and without accountability, you’ve given your abuser access to your soul.

Now, you’ve become increasingly angrier around this obvious betrayal. Then you begin to imagine all manner of resolution up to and including retaliation. But like clockwork, guilt makes its way to the scene like an ambulance chaser post car crash and convicts you yet again. “How could I feel this way about my mother, brother, sister, dad or friend,” your inner voice says. And caught up in guilt’s grip, you run back to that same abuse cycle. Wash, rinse and repeat.

Eckhart Tolle reasoned that: The pain that you create now is always some form of non acceptance, and that when you live in complete acceptance of what is, that is the end of all drama in your life. Hence, the moment you accept that your mother, father, sister or partner isn’t that motherly, fatherly, sisterly or… and that it isn’t your fault or responsibility to right who they are, then you can create a space for them to just be.

WhenLoveWorks, you create a space for them to grow. A space for you to love them and understand them all while managing their access so they don’t have further opportunity to impede your evolution, health and prosperity.

-Cullen Mattox

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Bullies Have No Power

Bullies aren’t just students who harass other students in school buildings. Adults can be bullies too. And they wreak just as much havoc in their families, intimate relationships and professional settings as children do.

 

That’s why we define a bully as one who uses perceived strength or influence to harm or intimidate someone typically to force him or her to do what one wants.

So according to this definition, a bully has no age restrictions and is most dangerous when they has access to AND insensitively uses vulnerable information about you.

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Click to discuss how

 

Society will have us believe bullies are stronger and more powerful than his/her victim which is why it’s more difficult for this “weaker” victim to fight back. But this is not a valid description. Instead, we believe a bully is limited to wielding personal, not powerful words to invoke insecurity in his/her victim.

 

Bullies don’t have power over their “victims.” A bully only has access to their “victims.”

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Click to talk about it

 

Think about it, bullies are people we know. People we allow to have access to our personality, our habits and our emotions. That’s why relationship bullying is a very common occurrence.  We see it from the time we were small children to our current interactions as adults. Children say things like, “If you do ___, then I won’t tell on you.” Then as teenagers, they gossip or spread malicious rumors through junior and high school. And by the time, a bully is an adult, they regularly undermine their colleagues or belittle their colleagues opinion.

 

With some serious thought, you can easily name a person who’s a relationship bully. And if you’re being totally honest, some of these examples may expose you as the relationship bully.

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Click here & Let’s talk how

 

Now that you know what a bully is and how they operate, it’s time to combat against bullying in your personal and professional relationships.

To stop relationship bullying in any form; you must first acknowledge it at its onset. Make a mental or verbal declaration of the bullying behavior. After that, be keenly aware of any anxiety you may feel in your body. Filter the bully’s words for validity and remove any emotional connection you may have to them. Then take control of an emotional reaction by affirming your truth: I hold the power and access to my emotions. Finally, push past any fear to confidently address the bully for his/her actions.

 

WhenLoveWorks, you courageously remove any personalization from a bully’s comment and simultaneously limit their access. ~Elitia Mattox

 

Safety Planning

When you go outside your home each day, you never know what’s in store. But in an effort to be safe, you still try to plan for the day. You dress according to weather forecast, you pack food and snacks for your appetite and you plan your commute based on your destination. However, the one thing you can’t plan around is the unpredictability of people. You can’t even predict the number of interactions you’ll have with other people in any given day.

(Side Note:We do offer the WLW Lumens practice as a way to plan for unpredictability of people while maintaining your energy and sanity. But that’s another topic for a different time 😉 )

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Click to Get Help Planning with Us

 

Yes, somethings in life are unpredictable. But in your relationships, they don’t have to be. Safety planning is possible in relationships. It just takes work. So instead of planning for and combatting against these external, often draining interactions, plan for opportunities that will re-invigorate you. Be intentional. Make safety a priority. Plan for your relationship to be a safe space.

One of the best ways to enjoy safe and respectful interactions everyday is to strengthen the relationships within your home, with the people whom you already know well.

Start today by implementing this WhenLoveWorks’ (WLW) practice task.
1) Write out the words describe the person who: doesn’t question your integrity? speaks positively into your life? maintains a loving tone in conversations with you?

2) Then create daily moments of gratitude that include the words you uncovered in step #1.

 

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Click to Get Help Planning with Us

 

 

When you make this a daily practice, you ensure the relationships within your own home are predictable, safe and secure. With continued practice, you’ll enjoy a Safety Net right in your own home. And over time, you create a WLW Ecosystem that counters any negative impact outside people can have on you.

 

Safety Net definition: (n.) guard against possible hardship and adversity

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Click to Get Help Planning with Us

 

Love Relationships are designed to cover you. So when nurtured, relationships provide protection from unpredictable, external factors. That’s why you have to do the WLW safety planning work to strengthen your relationships. Yes, Love relationships take work, but the benefits are endless.  Because whenever you’re faced with societal pressure, familial disappointments and professional expectations, you can still find a safety net within your relationships.

 

WhenLoveWorks, you understand Relationships are designed to cover you. So at the end of a difficult day, you safely fall back in trust.~Elitia

 

If you have questions about safety planning your relationships to cover you, click here to schedule a FREE consultation.

Life or Death…Rebel and Live

“Everybody dies but not everyone lives.” ~William Wallace

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Honestly, it’s just easier to watch & critique your life.

 

Be Honest…

Are you a part of the majority who enjoy watching and critiquing how others live?

Have you convinced yourself that what you desire, dream of, and wish for doesn’t exist?

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What did you stop believing in?

 

Be honest.

Is seeing somebody else be happy with the life they’ve been given, have the career of their dreams and enjoy their partner to the fullest, difficult?

Well…
It’s difficult when you stopped imagining it for yourself.
It’s difficult when you stopped believing in it.
It’s difficult when you stopped daring to dream and going for it.
It’s difficult when you stopped taking a shot at love.

But Life doesn’t have to be difficult. That’s why we challenge you to make life easier by rebelling against the status quo. We challenge you to Reset your Life Now. Now is the perfect time to choose life.

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Yes, you have a choice!

 

Begin by making these two truths a part of your daily meditation: Death is inevitable. Living is optional.

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  Yep, Existing is an option too!

We exist everyday, but living is a deliberate choice. “Living is a rebellious act against death.” That’s why so many people have anxiety around living and loving freely.  These are the same people who rely on traditions that render them powerless and relationship myths that breed sabotage to guide their daily thoughts and actions. For them living is a risk cradled in fear and uncertainty.

 

                 Living is a Rebellious Act!

 

Yes, Living is a risk for you. But it’s the same risk for everyone else.

Anytime you have a shot at love, there’s also a shot at heart break. Choose wisely, choose life.
If you don’t take that risk, then you won’t get your heart broken, but you also won’t live a full life.

Rebel and Live. Commit to Living today and don’t worry about people who try to make you feel guilty about living freely. They are just afraid of living too and want company.

WhenLoveWorks, you dare to live and make it your rebellion against death. ~Cullen & Elitia Mattox

 

Click here and Get a FREE consultation: Dare to live, rebel against death

Don’t Beg for LOVE

Think about the unlimited love, affection and attention you received as a young child.
Do you remember at some point or at a certain age being cut off and weaned from this free-flowing Love?
As you got older, you’re instinctive response to this treatment was to train yourself to live without love. And over time, this errant training impacted how you engage others.
So every time someone failed to give you love or you failed to give love, trauma is introduced into that relationship. Now the relationship is unhealthy!

With repeated exposure to this kind of trauma, your confidence is lowered and will negatively impact how you engage others in all your relationships.

Human beings are made to be loved. So any form of love rejection is inhumane because it goes against our nature. Besides if you don’t receive Love from family, friends, your partner and colleagues, then who.

You didn’t have to beg to be loved as a child and you don’t have to beg to be loved now!

Love is free and meant to be freely shared. Remember how early on your parents/guardians taught you the difference between a need and a want. They taught how oxygen, water, and sunlight are basic necessities to live and are all free. Despite what we are taught or what society records, Love is also a basic need that should be on the list. And just like any other primal need, Love is free. That’s why you don’t have to beg to be loved!

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*Love is necessary to life*

Instead of begging for love, take a moment to identify how you desire to be loved and attended to. Then share this desire with those you love. After you’ve shared your desired love; hold your family, friends, partner and colleagues accountable to loving you. Love is a free, unlimited resource, not charity or a donation to be plead for. So act accordingly and manage your relationships with full belief in the saying, “if someone doesn’t appreciate your presence make them appreciate your absence.”

WhenLoveWorks, you understand that love is just as important to any relationship as oxygen, water and sunlight are to life. ~Elitia Mattox

Stay in the Moment: Savor the Moment

“Successful relationships are created along the journey. So enjoy the ride.” ~Elitia Mattox

Each new relationship will inherently expose: the different personalities of everyone involved, the non-negotiables each person holds, as well as each person’s communication styles.

So when you operate with this understanding, then you can easily surmise: It’s a waste of time, energy and resources to inject any drama of past experiences or worries about the future into any new relationship. Instead, you savor each new moment that this new relationship will reveal. You learn to navigate challenges and you quickly realize that you’re creating a new relationship journey. Your relationship mantra then becomes: I LOVE RIGHT NOW.

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Even if you try to compare a new relationship to a past one, you’ll soon discover a comparison of old versus new is a futile exercise because it’s impossible to replicate every aspect of the past. More than likely the only thing you’ll accomplish when you reflect on the past, is a resurfacing of old feelings of anger, hurt and resentment. And it’s difficult to create a successful, new relationship when one person is injecting past emotions into their current situation. So Stay in the moment because it’s not fair to anyone when you focus on yesterday, as you try to build a new today.

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Similarly, when you project into the future by thinking up various outcomes, you simultaneously introduce anxiety into the relationship. This anxiety can create a space that’s filled with irrational behavior and undue pressure that will undoubtedly disrupt any relationship. Stay in the moment that the relationship is on Right Now. Now, is the most important point along the relationship’s journey.

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Now is the most important moment…

WhenLoveWorks, you respect the “newness” of any relationship and learn to appreciate the new highs as well as the new lows. ~Elitia Mattox
Still struggling to Savor and Stay in the Moment, contact us for Live support.

What is a SoulMate?

How do you define a soulmate?
Will your definition be based on your high school, college or even your last relationship?

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Before you answer with a cookie-cutter definition, we want you to consider updating the meaning through your current lens of relationship experience. That’s right, “Update your Files.” To update your files, you adjust your definitions and relationship beliefs to reflect your growth, your success and your failures along your relationship journey. Updating your relationship file is a necessity because relationships, whether positive or negative, leave an impact on your life and you are responsible for accounting for each impact.

Now that you’ve updated your files, how close is your soul mate definition to the one in the graphic below?

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I like this visual definition because it’s a close representation of the authentic exchange that occurs when two people come together. Now take a moment to compare your definition to the one in the graphic above and identify any discomfort or questions that come up?  This discomfort is usually the sign posts and signal of an area of improvement, an area to begin relationship work.

Relationships are work!

Customizing definitions and updating your relationship files is only the first part of the work. Be patient with the process, but don’t stop working. Instead continue working, with full faith that your soul mate is on the same journey and your paths will eventually converge. ~Elitia Mattox

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