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Guilt Induced Ambivalence (The Stealthy Predator)

Ambivalence is the simultaneous presence of conflicting emotions, it is that state of having mixed feelings about someone or something. Guilt around Ambivalence has been a big player on the personal relationship front for eons because few have felt comfortable coming forth regarding it. So ambivalence has been afforded the opportunity to work stealthy for years, while paralyzing its otherwise discerning victims with indecision.

See if you recognize this scenario: You’re the target of endless passive aggressive insults, slights, snubs, indifference, negativity, envy and various other attacks, but it’s coming from a family member or friend, so you endure it. Sound familiar?
You endure it because you reason around what they are suppose to be, instead of who they really are.

Though in your mind, you’ve never seen anything brotherly or friendly come off this person, yet you still hold on to your fantasy. And fresh off every new hurt, you can’t get pass the reality that, though harmony with a friend/family member may not always be possible, abuse is inconceivable. You’re stuck, unsure of what to do; the ante has been upped.

This time, imagine the snubs coming from your mom….you reason that you have to manage because confronting mom proves too soul-crushing to bare. But as a result of your indecision, you’ve now entered the ambivalence loophole. Ambivalence weakens relationships because you’re withholding accountability. Abuse’s best friend is access, and without accountability, you’ve given your abuser access to your soul.

Now, you’ve become increasingly angrier around this obvious betrayal. Then you begin to imagine all manner of resolution up to and including retaliation. But like clockwork, guilt makes its way to the scene like an ambulance chaser post car crash and convicts you yet again. “How could I feel this way about my mother, brother, sister, dad or friend,” your inner voice says. And caught up in guilt’s grip, you run back to that same abuse cycle. Wash, rinse and repeat.

Eckhart Tolle reasoned that: The pain that you create now is always some form of non acceptance, and that when you live in complete acceptance of what is, that is the end of all drama in your life. Hence, the moment you accept that your mother, father, sister or partner isn’t that motherly, fatherly, sisterly or… and that it isn’t your fault or responsibility to right who they are, then you can create a space for them to just be.

WhenLoveWorks, you create a space for them to grow. A space for you to love them and understand them all while managing their access so they don’t have further opportunity to impede your evolution, health and prosperity.

-Cullen Mattox

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Bullies Have No Power

Bullies aren’t just students who harass other students in school buildings. Adults can be bullies too. And they wreak just as much havoc in their families, intimate relationships and professional settings as children do.

 

That’s why we define a bully as one who uses perceived strength or influence to harm or intimidate someone typically to force him or her to do what one wants.

So according to this definition, a bully has no age restrictions and is most dangerous when they has access to AND insensitively uses vulnerable information about you.

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Society will have us believe bullies are stronger and more powerful than his/her victim which is why it’s more difficult for this “weaker” victim to fight back. But this is not a valid description. Instead, we believe a bully is limited to wielding personal, not powerful words to invoke insecurity in his/her victim.

 

Bullies don’t have power over their “victims.” A bully only has access to their “victims.”

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Think about it, bullies are people we know. People we allow to have access to our personality, our habits and our emotions. That’s why relationship bullying is a very common occurrence.  We see it from the time we were small children to our current interactions as adults. Children say things like, “If you do ___, then I won’t tell on you.” Then as teenagers, they gossip or spread malicious rumors through junior and high school. And by the time, a bully is an adult, they regularly undermine their colleagues or belittle their colleagues opinion.

 

With some serious thought, you can easily name a person who’s a relationship bully. And if you’re being totally honest, some of these examples may expose you as the relationship bully.

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Now that you know what a bully is and how they operate, it’s time to combat against bullying in your personal and professional relationships.

To stop relationship bullying in any form; you must first acknowledge it at its onset. Make a mental or verbal declaration of the bullying behavior. After that, be keenly aware of any anxiety you may feel in your body. Filter the bully’s words for validity and remove any emotional connection you may have to them. Then take control of an emotional reaction by affirming your truth: I hold the power and access to my emotions. Finally, push past any fear to confidently address the bully for his/her actions.

 

WhenLoveWorks, you courageously remove any personalization from a bully’s comment and simultaneously limit their access. ~Elitia Mattox

 

Safety Planning

When you go outside your home each day, you never know what’s in store. But in an effort to be safe, you still try to plan for the day. You dress according to weather forecast, you pack food and snacks for your appetite and you plan your commute based on your destination. However, the one thing you can’t plan around is the unpredictability of people. You can’t even predict the number of interactions you’ll have with other people in any given day.

(Side Note:We do offer the WLW Lumens practice as a way to plan for unpredictability of people while maintaining your energy and sanity. But that’s another topic for a different time 😉 )

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Yes, somethings in life are unpredictable. But in your relationships, they don’t have to be. Safety planning is possible in relationships. It just takes work. So instead of planning for and combatting against these external, often draining interactions, plan for opportunities that will re-invigorate you. Be intentional. Make safety a priority. Plan for your relationship to be a safe space.

One of the best ways to enjoy safe and respectful interactions everyday is to strengthen the relationships within your home, with the people whom you already know well.

Start today by implementing this WhenLoveWorks’ (WLW) practice task.
1) Write out the words describe the person who: doesn’t question your integrity? speaks positively into your life? maintains a loving tone in conversations with you?

2) Then create daily moments of gratitude that include the words you uncovered in step #1.

 

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When you make this a daily practice, you ensure the relationships within your own home are predictable, safe and secure. With continued practice, you’ll enjoy a Safety Net right in your own home. And over time, you create a WLW Ecosystem that counters any negative impact outside people can have on you.

 

Safety Net definition: (n.) guard against possible hardship and adversity

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Love Relationships are designed to cover you. So when nurtured, relationships provide protection from unpredictable, external factors. That’s why you have to do the WLW safety planning work to strengthen your relationships. Yes, Love relationships take work, but the benefits are endless.  Because whenever you’re faced with societal pressure, familial disappointments and professional expectations, you can still find a safety net within your relationships.

 

WhenLoveWorks, you understand Relationships are designed to cover you. So at the end of a difficult day, you safely fall back in trust.~Elitia

 

If you have questions about safety planning your relationships to cover you, click here to schedule a FREE consultation.

Life or Death…Rebel and Live

“Everybody dies but not everyone lives.” ~William Wallace

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Honestly, it’s just easier to watch & critique your life.

 

Be Honest…

Are you a part of the majority who enjoy watching and critiquing how others live?

Have you convinced yourself that what you desire, dream of, and wish for doesn’t exist?

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What did you stop believing in?

 

Be honest.

Is seeing somebody else be happy with the life they’ve been given, have the career of their dreams and enjoy their partner to the fullest, difficult?

Well…
It’s difficult when you stopped imagining it for yourself.
It’s difficult when you stopped believing in it.
It’s difficult when you stopped daring to dream and going for it.
It’s difficult when you stopped taking a shot at love.

But Life doesn’t have to be difficult. That’s why we challenge you to make life easier by rebelling against the status quo. We challenge you to Reset your Life Now. Now is the perfect time to choose life.

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Yes, you have a choice!

 

Begin by making these two truths a part of your daily meditation: Death is inevitable. Living is optional.

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  Yep, Existing is an option too!

We exist everyday, but living is a deliberate choice. “Living is a rebellious act against death.” That’s why so many people have anxiety around living and loving freely.  These are the same people who rely on traditions that render them powerless and relationship myths that breed sabotage to guide their daily thoughts and actions. For them living is a risk cradled in fear and uncertainty.

 

                 Living is a Rebellious Act!

 

Yes, Living is a risk for you. But it’s the same risk for everyone else.

Anytime you have a shot at love, there’s also a shot at heart break. Choose wisely, choose life.
If you don’t take that risk, then you won’t get your heart broken, but you also won’t live a full life.

Rebel and Live. Commit to Living today and don’t worry about people who try to make you feel guilty about living freely. They are just afraid of living too and want company.

WhenLoveWorks, you dare to live and make it your rebellion against death. ~Cullen & Elitia Mattox

 

Click here and Get a FREE consultation: Dare to live, rebel against death

Don’t Beg for LOVE

Think about the unlimited love, affection and attention you received as a young child.
Do you remember at some point or at a certain age being cut off and weaned from this free-flowing Love?
As you got older, you’re instinctive response to this treatment was to train yourself to live without love. And over time, this errant training impacted how you engage others.
So every time someone failed to give you love or you failed to give love, trauma is introduced into that relationship. Now the relationship is unhealthy!

With repeated exposure to this kind of trauma, your confidence is lowered and will negatively impact how you engage others in all your relationships.

Human beings are made to be loved. So any form of love rejection is inhumane because it goes against our nature. Besides if you don’t receive Love from family, friends, your partner and colleagues, then who.

You didn’t have to beg to be loved as a child and you don’t have to beg to be loved now!

Love is free and meant to be freely shared. Remember how early on your parents/guardians taught you the difference between a need and a want. They taught how oxygen, water, and sunlight are basic necessities to live and are all free. Despite what we are taught or what society records, Love is also a basic need that should be on the list. And just like any other primal need, Love is free. That’s why you don’t have to beg to be loved!

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*Love is necessary to life*

Instead of begging for love, take a moment to identify how you desire to be loved and attended to. Then share this desire with those you love. After you’ve shared your desired love; hold your family, friends, partner and colleagues accountable to loving you. Love is a free, unlimited resource, not charity or a donation to be plead for. So act accordingly and manage your relationships with full belief in the saying, “if someone doesn’t appreciate your presence make them appreciate your absence.”

WhenLoveWorks, you understand that love is just as important to any relationship as oxygen, water and sunlight are to life. ~Elitia Mattox

Stay in the Moment: Savor the Moment

“Successful relationships are created along the journey. So enjoy the ride.” ~Elitia Mattox

Each new relationship will inherently expose: the different personalities of everyone involved, the non-negotiables each person holds, as well as each person’s communication styles.

So when you operate with this understanding, then you can easily surmise: It’s a waste of time, energy and resources to inject any drama of past experiences or worries about the future into any new relationship. Instead, you savor each new moment that this new relationship will reveal. You learn to navigate challenges and you quickly realize that you’re creating a new relationship journey. Your relationship mantra then becomes: I LOVE RIGHT NOW.

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Even if you try to compare a new relationship to a past one, you’ll soon discover a comparison of old versus new is a futile exercise because it’s impossible to replicate every aspect of the past. More than likely the only thing you’ll accomplish when you reflect on the past, is a resurfacing of old feelings of anger, hurt and resentment. And it’s difficult to create a successful, new relationship when one person is injecting past emotions into their current situation. So Stay in the moment because it’s not fair to anyone when you focus on yesterday, as you try to build a new today.

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Similarly, when you project into the future by thinking up various outcomes, you simultaneously introduce anxiety into the relationship. This anxiety can create a space that’s filled with irrational behavior and undue pressure that will undoubtedly disrupt any relationship. Stay in the moment that the relationship is on Right Now. Now, is the most important point along the relationship’s journey.

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Now is the most important moment…

WhenLoveWorks, you respect the “newness” of any relationship and learn to appreciate the new highs as well as the new lows. ~Elitia Mattox
Still struggling to Savor and Stay in the Moment, contact us for Live support.

What is a SoulMate?

How do you define a soulmate?
Will your definition be based on your high school, college or even your last relationship?

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Before you answer with a cookie-cutter definition, we want you to consider updating the meaning through your current lens of relationship experience. That’s right, “Update your Files.” To update your files, you adjust your definitions and relationship beliefs to reflect your growth, your success and your failures along your relationship journey. Updating your relationship file is a necessity because relationships, whether positive or negative, leave an impact on your life and you are responsible for accounting for each impact.

Now that you’ve updated your files, how close is your soul mate definition to the one in the graphic below?

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I like this visual definition because it’s a close representation of the authentic exchange that occurs when two people come together. Now take a moment to compare your definition to the one in the graphic above and identify any discomfort or questions that come up?  This discomfort is usually the sign posts and signal of an area of improvement, an area to begin relationship work.

Relationships are work!

Customizing definitions and updating your relationship files is only the first part of the work. Be patient with the process, but don’t stop working. Instead continue working, with full faith that your soul mate is on the same journey and your paths will eventually converge. ~Elitia Mattox

Was it a Cheap Shot?

“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out.” ―Sherrilyn Kenyon

As a child, I never understand why people who professed to love one another spoke so harshly to each other or treated their loved ones like crap.  I even reasoned that one day, when I was older, I would understand. Well I got older and I still don’t understand why people who claim love can mindlessly hurt their loved ones.

If you are currently enduring harsh, verbal onslaughts in any of its many forms and expressions, ask yourself why. The answer may surprise you, or better yet liberate you.

Cheap ShotIt’s never acceptable for us to allow people who claim to love us, to hurt us. Instead we are called to speak out against any mistreatment, even if it comes from family, friends, your partner or colleagues. We have the right to speak out in our power to hold people accountable in their love through their actions and their words.

Cheap ShotSo whether premeditated or not, respond to any “cheap shots” from those who claim to love you. Identify people who regularly use their advantageous position on the inside to destroy you. Then call them out on their “friendly fire.”

WhenLoveWorks, people recognize this “deliberate roughness” as the crime that it is and take steps to set the record straight. ~Elitia Mattox

 

 

*Cheap Shot is part 5 of WLW’s subtle crimes in the Criminal Record Series*

The Most Expensive Relationship

“Think about the rankings for the most expensive cities to live in and the most expensive college to attend and the most expensive cars to buy, etc. Now, think about what they all have in common. What you realize is that these ratings are a result of someone taking the time to assess whether the product or service is able to provide you with quality, value and convenience (QVC) and then ranked them accordingly.

It’s my belief that this same assessment and ranking process should be applied to our relationships too. So if you haven’t already, take a look at each of your relationship types: family, friendships, intimate and professional. Then ask yourself which relationship improves your quality of life, add value to your life and are mutually convenient. Finally, rank them on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is least expensive and 5 is most expensive.

While some relationships are more expensive than others, it doesn’t negate the fact that all relationships cost your time, energy and resources. The main reason relationships are so expensive is because YOU SPEND YOURSELF.

And when you accept that you are the main source in your relationship, you also decide whether the relationship will be a healthy one. Vulnerability is required in relationship development because it exposes you to be both hurt and loved. So it’s up to you to decide how vulnerable you will be in developing your family, friendships, intimate and business relationships. Fortunately, those who desire a healthy love relationship accept this vulnerability risk.

It’s true, relationships cost!
But the healthier the relationship, the least expensive it cost. Similarly, when the relationship is a mutual exchange of time, energy and resources, the least expensive it is.

Click here and
let’s talk about relationship cost

WhenLoveWorks, you bravely engage relationships understanding that healthy relationships will require vulnerability. Remember Love is about bravery more than anything else.” ~Elitia Mattox

Show Love through Forgiveness

To understand how to show love through forgiveness, let’s start by looking closely at the word forgive. The root word, fore, in forgiveness, means before. So by definition, we believe true forgiveness means to absolve a person before their offense has an opportunity to anger you. Now, think about how this definition lands with you?

Are you ready to forgive before offense?

Tweetable: #forgive before #offense

Or do you feel this notion of forgiveness is counter-intuitive because after someone offends us, we typically respond in one of two ways. The first way is to angrily lash out in an attempt to match their pain with our hurt. Or we respond in a passive aggressive manner by holding a grudge leaving the offender clueless about our pain. Unfortunately, these two responses are instinctual and leave no room for the more calculated forgiveness response that demonstrates love.

Tweetable: #love people right where they are

Successful love requires true forgiveness because forgiveness is the love response to any offense. So the challenge when we are offended is to suppress our instincts and instead respond in a loving way that forgives right in the moment. This forgiveness model will instantly restore peace and release you from any subsequent emotional roller coaster. I know, fighting a natural instinct is challenging, but it’s worth it for love’s sake because it also opens you up to love people right where they are. Remember when love works, people feel loved through your actions and you are able to maintain a relationship that recognizes their humanity. ~Elitia Mattox

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